Spotting Addictive Energies

I have been sober from alcohol and drugs now for over 3.5 years. Although that is no small feat, addictive behaviors still rear their heads in my mind and body, sometimes I can detect them in the moment and sometimes I act on them with ignorance only to come to the exhausting realization later that I let my addictive energies overthrow my inner compass.

What do I mean by this?

I believe that addiction has an energy to it that grabs onto whatever it can to self sooth its host.

The obvious and most life-threatening vices for me were alcohol and drugs which is why they had to be eliminated first.

Now, I am seeing the other vices that my addictive energy is grabbing onto.

Because the problem isn’t always the vice itself but the emotion that ants to be numbed or soothed.

We learn early on how to self sooth. Some do this in healthier ways than others. My way of self-soothing was by disassociating. Leaving my body.

I did this by watching tv as a child, or playing with toys, or making people laugh while I was onstage.

Once alcohol came into my life, that became the greatest form of disassociating that I had. Because it changed my neurology and filled my body with warm fuzzies.

Then came cocaine and it shot me to the moon in a way that was so exhilarating because my physical body couldn’t feel pain.

Once I got rid of these vices, once they became too dangerous to my wellbeing that I had to exile them from my life, I still had the desire to disassociate.

It took me a while to spot my vices, but they are glaring at me now.

My vices I am trying to overcome nowadays are, caffeine, sugar, and television.

I disassociate using those mechanisms daily. Because they are less life threatening and even more socially acceptable than even alcohol is, it was hard to spot but they have all gotten in the way of my inner compass in a similar way as alcohol.

I have a hard time focusing on tasks that need attending too because my first instinct is to check my phone, spend hours on Tic Tok, then drink 2 big cups of cold brew which makes me vibrate with anxiety and urgency. Then halfway through the day, to calm down I watch a tv show with ice cream or chocolate chip cookies.

Similarly, to alcohol, these things in moderation are not bad, but if you are someone who has large amounts of addictive energies coursing through your veins, moderation is not on the menu for any self-soothing vice.

I bring self-compassion into my desire for self-improvement by reminding myself that harm reduction is a real thing and part of this process. Harm reduction means choosing a less harmful vice to slowly stop altering yourself all together. These vices are not as harmful to me as alcohol was, but I can feel they are becoming more and more problematic.

If you can relate to this, please know you are not alone. Healing is a life’s journey

But becoming aware of feelings that indicate you can’t stop doing something or eating something, having this vice get in the way of your goals or dreams, feeling disappointed that you keep doing the same action that you know will have negative outcomes, these are all good indicators that your addictive energy is out and about and running the show.

Keep self-compassion close by but stay honest with yourself. We are all works in progress, but admitting the struggle alleviates so much of its power.